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Thursday, February 28, 2013

Flatulence Factor


Principles of Einsteinian Gaseomechanics

 (Time for a little humor today!)

            Last night as my wife and I prepared for sleep, a common biophysical reaction occurred beneath the covers as my body began to transition into a state of relaxation.  Not only did the stress and the strain of the day’s events begin to leave me, but also the gaseous byproduct of what I’d consumed for lunch at the all-you-can-eat pizza buffet.

            With dramatic effect, my wife began to protest this occurrence of normal body function and began to seal the top edge of the covers down in a Ziploc like fashion in attempt to contain the odiferous aroma within the sheets.  I tried to put her at ease with a brief explanation of the normal physiological reaction which had occurred, but she staunchly disagreed and claimed that there was “nothing normal” about the result at all.

            This event caused me to ponder the cause and effect of such phenomenon.  And in this supine state of scientific contemplation, I had and epiphany of Einsteinian proportions in regards to being able to calculate and quantify what I can only call “The Flatulence Factor.”

            To be completely understood, the Flatulence Factor must be described in a rather simple mathematical equation:



FF = (pV +f2F + r/aA)K



            To help the average layman understand this equation, I will break it down into its individual components and provide a brief description of what they mean.



FF – Obviously this stands for the Flatulence Factor, final sum total of the other components which quantifies the actual severity of a common fart.



p – This symbol is the pressure of the gaseous release, and is measured in psi (pounds per square inch.



V – This symbol represents the volume of the undiluted gas released and is measured in quarts or liters, depending on which system of measure you are most comfortable with.



f2 – This symbol is the fecal odor rating, squared.



As many of you may be unfamiliar with this scale, I will insert it here so that you will know which rating to apply to your particular calculations.



Fecal Odor Rating Scale:

1 – Mild noticeable smell, but no verbal comment, facial twitch or physical withdrawal reaction associated.

2 – Noticeable facial contortion or twitch, but no verbal comment or respiratory distress evident.

3 – Major facial contortion with head turn/withdrawal response and vocal groan or protest.

4 – All of grade 3, plus the addition of a hand waving dispersal response and active movement of the entire body away from the area of the occurrence.

5 – All of grade 4, accompanied by violent coughing or uncontrolled spasmodic gagging and choking response.

6 – All of grade 5, with sudden and unexpected loss of consciousness before complete physical relocation can be achieved.  (Note – this severe grade is often accompanied by an uncontrolled episode of bowel incontinence in association with the release of the gas by the perpetrator).



            Now that the rating system is understood, one can see why this number is squared as it has the most significant effect and impact upon the rest of the equation.  I will now return to a further explanation of the other components of the formula.



F – This symbol represents the frequency at which the release(s) occur and is measured in number of discharges per 10 seconds.



r – This symbol stands for the rate of release which is expressed in the number of quarts or liters per second.



a – This represents the area of the room or space into which the discharge is released and is measured in square feet.



A – This symbol represents the airflow or amount of fresh air exchange which is taking place within the room.  This can be affected by open windows, forced air heating or air conditioning systems, etc… and is measured in cubic feet per second.



            All of the above components are calculated as arranged.  Their sum number is then multiplied by K.



K – This symbol represents the kill ratio percentage, or in other words, the number of individuals either unconscious or dead out of the total occupants of the affected area.  If no fatalities or casualties occur, this factor is still given at least a numerical score of 1, because if no effect occurred at all, then why in the heck are you even performing a calculation.



            There you have it.  That is the entire equation for calculating the Flatulence Factor for any or all who wanted to know.  Having miraculously solved this previously misunderstood and un-quantified phenomenon, I performed some quick calculations in my head and informed my wife that she was far overreacting to my creation.  It had in fact only scored a 3 on the fecal odor rating scale with a total overall Flatulence Factor of 237!



            What I had failed to calculate was that this score, combined with my attempt at an explanation equaled a night of sleeping on the couch instead of my cozy bed.  Ah, the burden of being scientifically and mathematically gifted after digesting a large lunch of endless pizza!